Sunday, October 5, 2008

Is there a couch?

I will preface this with I am sorry if this entry is all over the place… I have been trying to write it for a while and finally I decided to just write and get it out. So bear with me.

A little while ago I met Neighbor Tom. We have been on a few dates and I am starting to like him. I am having huge issues though. Neighbor Tom is incredibly nice, sweet, good with my friends, willing to do whatever I want, even drank Captain and coke when he hates Captain…

But I am finding myself being a super socially awkward, no filter, bitch around him… even though I like him.

I 100% blame the EX for this. He has jaded all future relationships I am destined to have with nice guys. Part of me is feeling put off by Neighbor Tom being so nice. I know… WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? I should feel flattered that someone wants to be nice to me and instead I am turning into a freak.

Last night Ash and I very briefly stopped by a party he was throwing. He was super excited to introduce me to my friends, and I became cold and sarcastic. At one point during a weird part of the conversation when no one was talking I blurted out sarcastically “Wow this is an awesome party…” Why would I say that??? What is wrong with me?

The EX… his friends were the biggest douche bags in the whole entire world. They basically ignored me because I wasn’t skinny enough and didn’t wear designer clothes. Like we would all be hanging out and I wouldn’t be spoken to by anyone other than the EX for hours. They would walk into a room and say hi to everyone EXCEPT me. I felt invisible. So I developed a fuck them all exterior. And I can’t seem to shake it.

From the time I was a junior in high school and started date the EX until about a year ago I have almost constantly been in some sort of relationship. For the past year though I have been single and really found myself again. I am scared to death of losing me again. There have been a few times since I have started seeing Neighbor Tom that he has mentioned something that involves me and him together further in the future then the end of the night. This is slightly freaking me out.

So what do I do? Advice would be greatly appreciated…

1 comment:

Lou said...

Honestly... my first thought reading this was that perhaps... and I know this is out there... but maybe you're just not that into this guy. Maybe it's the way we're socialized or something, but before MM I found myself often trying to force a relationship with a guy simply because it was right there in front me and not because it was right. It usually ended up that I would sabotage things so that I didn't actually have to face the fact that I was trying to create a relationship for the sake of not being alone and having no other particularly interesting options at that moment. Just because this is a nice guy, doesn't mean he's the right nice guy for you.

Those are my thoughts.

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